I’m sitting in my dorm lobby, waiting on another student that I have to interview for a project. I’m stressed and sick, and I’m worried about how I’ll pass my voice jury if I can’t practice, how I’ll pass my composition jury if I can’t compose a good piece, how I’ll pass my calculus test this week when I need an A in order to maintain my perfect GPA, how I’ll get all my final projects done if I can’t focus and push past my exhaustion.
And someone starts playing the piano across the lobby, and it’s a simple chord progression, like Heart and Soul. Just a simple pattern of I-vi-IV-V, with some embellishments in the right hand. And at first, I mentally criticize the piece for its lack of complexity, for its adherence to the structure of typical pop tune songs. But then I realize how the piece is making me feel: happy.
It sounds happy and hopeful. And it seems to laugh at me as I struggle in this pool of worry, which I suddenly realize is only a puddle. And it whispers a secret in my ear: Everything is going to be alright.
I guess sometimes we have to just put it all in perspective. Worst case scenario: I make a few B’s this semester and my juries aren’t too impressive. Will it change my life? Probably not. After all, I’m a musician. My GPA won’t matter in the end. What will matter is how much I’ve grown, and I can see that I’m growing every day, not only as a student and a musician but as a person. :)
I’m single now, so I’m learning to let myself have emotions towards other people. Problem is—and my friends are noticing this—I’m developing about a million crushes. I guess I never really got that fifth-grader experience of dating. Sure, I had some crushes when I was little, but I never had the opportunity (much less, the permission) to pursue anything.
It’s a different thing, being interested in different people and seeing different people. For almost two years, I only dated one person; I only felt for one person. And if I did feel anything for anyone else, I did my best to brush it aside.
Now it’s all different. In my mind I feel like a total slut, even though I haven’t really done anything wrong in the physical world. And the most shocking thing I’ve found is that… some guys LIKE me. It’s so weird. When the break up happened, I thought I was leaving him to be alone forever. I couldn’t imagine another person loving me again. But it’s happening. I’m getting attention, and a lot of times I don’t even try! Half the time, I look like total crap, my hair a mess and next to no makeup.
It’s fun and exciting. Of course, my biggest crush is far out of my reach and probably always will be. But for a little while, I’d like to have that elementary experience. I feel giddy and happy and free. Still a tad guilty, but I’m learning to let things go and just live a little. :)
I’m happy, for the first time in a long time. And for the past few weeks, it felt inappropriate to feel that way, and even more wrong to admit it.
But I love this feeling of freedom. I’m composing again; my voice is coming back strong. I’m making beauty, and as I create I find myself energized. And as odd as it sounds, I feel more spiritual, as if I’m closer to god or some higher power. Or maybe I’m just finally getting closer to myself, and learning not to hate what I see.
It’s funny how quickly we can be taken back to childhood. In middle school, I had an unhealthy obsession with Sir Elton John. I listened to his music every day, I thought about him all the time, I talked about him until it drove my friends crazy… and then I talked about him more.
I’ll be getting to see Sir Elton in concert very soon, and I’ve found that I have shifted back to being a little middle schooler. I’m imagining all the possibilities (or should I say, impossibilities), like actually getting to meet him, not just see him on stage. Or getting to hold a conversation with him. Or him discovering me and getting my work out there (not that I’ve really had much luck writing anything new recently).
I want to go back to writing cheesy singer-songwriter songs and give up the orchestral and classical stuff I’ve been forcing myself to create. It’s obviously not going to come together. I’m giddy and happy about music, and it feels amazing. I don’t care what people say about what I should be creating or should be listening to.
I’m an Elton John geek, and they can’t change it. :)
I thrive under stress. If I’m stressed and barely have free time, I am inspired to create and work so much harder. When I have no clear stressors in my life, I don’t do anything creative. I can’t. I just waste time.
Is that weird?
Music is talking to me again. Finally, after so long. I opened Finale, and it she was waiting for me. And I hear her talking in my ear, so clear and crisp, and she makes perfect sense, but I CANNOT deliver her message. It’s like I’ve lost all ability to speak. And I’m in such awe of her beauty, but I’m worthless to her if I can’t deliver her message.
She ought to try to send her message through a more dependable composer. I’m not worth her time.
A gay couple I know can’t adopt. And it’s breaking my heart to hear about it. They’ve tried for so long. And it hurts because I can’t think of anything comforting to say. I can’t think of anything to do to ease their pain.
I can’t fix a corrupt, discriminating system. I can’t make it better. Not anytime soon, at least.
People don’t want to change. Even when they know it’s right.
Most of the time, we don’t want to do the right thing. Even when it’s clear what is right.
I was reading Ayn Rand’s Atlas Shrugged yesterday. This quote really got to me:
"He still thought it self-evident that one had to do what was right; he had never learned how people could want to do otherwise; he had learned only that they did."
All this talk about change around us but no one wants to actually change. They just want everyone else to change.
We’re such hypocritical people.